I have not been here a while, so indulge me a little. How are you? I hope you missed me as much as I missed your “likes” and “comments” on my blog!
Allow me to digress a little from things-farming. As you may have guessed, I am a single mother of one child. A girl. She is no longer a child but a 25-year-old young woman, whom I am achingly proud of. I ended up a single mother because my husband died. Don’t shed any tears – it was not a happy marriage. We were young, foolish, and opinionated. In addition, I suspect I was still pining for my first love – I probably still am. That is never a good recipe for a successful marriage.
By the time he passed away, we were separated and making feeble attempts at reconciliation. Then he died. Just like that. Car accident. One day he was here and then he was not. I was a widow at the ripe old age of 27. All the widows I had ever met were geriatric ladies who spent their afternoons in the company of fellow geriatrics, sipping tea in sweltering heat, gossiping about their truant grandchildren, and occasionally falling asleep mid story.
What does one do as a 27-year-old widow with a 2-year-old toddler to boot? Who had the manual for this journey? I was lost! I tried joining church groups for widows and found the geriatrics. The church groups with people my age were for young married couples or those looking to get married, and “the church” was not being helpful! I tried dating and it just could not work. I realized that I reminded people of their mortality – something no one wants to be reminded of at age 27. I was spinning and no one understood what I was going through. I felt excluded – a pariah! To add to it all, I had a child to raise. Alone! So, I buried myself in work and banished my heart to emotional Siberia. I was done with that part of my life.
Time marched on as it always does, and my two year old toddler grew up. Over Christmas last year, the penny finally dropped. My now grown-up toddler decided to go spend Christmas with her boyfriend. I was beside myself! When did this happen? How was I not the choice company for Christmas? Who was this fellow that commanded so much of her attention that she could ditch me for him over Christmas! Christmas! This was sacrilege. Then I realized my issue. I was alone and did not know what to do with my alone-ness. I have never been lonely – just alone. Singular and resolute in my approach to life.
I went to the farm to spend Christmas with my mother and contemplate my alone-ness. Then it hit me. I had to go get my heart back from emotional Siberia, and open the door for the possibility that someone might show up and want to spend time with me. Afterall, I think I am at least funny and smart, if nothing else. Let me say this to the single mothers out there. Open the door now and do not consign your heart to emotional Siberia. There are some good, decent, hardworking gentlemen out there, but they won’t show up if the door is shut and bolted like mine was. Remember, the kids will grow up, and they will leave. How do you want to spend your later years? Singular and resolute or with someone who will soften the blow of ageing?
What does any of this have to do with farming? Not giving up. If I am willing to re-open a door I shut millennia ago, I should be willing to get back on that farm and figure out a model that will work for me. It is not impossible, just harder to do.
To quote Rumi:
“The wound is the place where the light enters you”
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